


The Effects of Alien Marijuana

by marawinchester (crazygirlattemptswriting)



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: F/M, I Don't Even Know, M/M, accidental drug use?, alien marijuana, bones and spock are besties while high, but it's not crazy i promise, idk what to tag, is this what they call a crack fic?, just amusing, seriously they hug, they announce who's sleeping with who, they make fun of middle names, written before star trek into darkness so there's no fear of spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-21
Updated: 2013-05-21
Packaged: 2017-12-12 12:39:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/811686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazygirlattemptswriting/pseuds/marawinchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock and Bones accidentally get high off some alien marijuana. The crew is amused, Jim not so much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Effects of Alien Marijuana

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this was inspired by these http://mccoyandkirk.tumblr.com/post/50363168203 behind the scenes gifs and the tags. Because who would not want to write a fic about Bones and Spock getting high off alien weed? Probably a lot of people, I suppose. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy. I don't own anything, all mistakes are mine, all that jazz.

“His middle name is Tiberius,” Bones confides, laughing. “Who has the middle name _Tiberius_?”

“And he makes fun of my name!” Spock says, sounding offending. 

“I can hear you two, you know,” Jim announces loudly from where he's sitting in the captain's chair. “And Tiberius isn't as bad as Horatio, Bones. Or Leonard, for that matter.” He sends them a glare for good measure. They ignore it.

“Is that stuff going to wear off anytime soon?” Uhura mutters from where she's standing beside him.

“I hope so,” Jim admits. “Apparently those two stumbled into some alien marijuana and made brownies.”

“The plant has the same effect as marijuana, but it is inhaled instead of eaten or smoked,” Sulu corrects him. “It's not as if they were trying to get high. According to the files I found on it, the plant does have an appealing smell.” 

“How reassuring,” Jim mutters as he scratches his arm. “They accidentally got high off of good smelling plants. Meanwhile, I found the planet's version of poison ivy.” 

Uhura rolls her eyes. “Captain, you have an allergic reaction to every planet we visit.”

“Yeah, well usually by now my CMO has given me a hypospray of antihistamine by now. But he can't BECAUSE HE'S HIGH AS A KITE.” Jim glares their way again. Spock is whispering something to Bones now, something that has Spock cackling like a witch while Bones grins like the Cheshire Cat.

“Someone else could give it to you,” Uhura mutters, but Jim ignores her. Bones is the only one who gets to stab Jim with pointy things. Bones is the only one who gets to do lots of things to Jim, come to think of it.

“To be honest Keptin, I like them like this,” Chekov admits. “They seem so....happy.”

“Happy? Chekov, they're high!” Jim says, trying not to yell.

“And happy,” Chekov argues. 

“Chekov's right, Captain,” Sulu says. Jim looks at him. “No offense,” Sulu adds with a shrug as the bridge doors open and Scotty enters.

“Hello Scotty, what can I do for you?” Jim asks, wondering why the man didn't just use the comm.

“Oh, nothing, captain,” Scotty says, staring at Spock and Bones. “Keenser told me that Doctor McCoy and Mr. Spock were high. I came to verify that they weren't, but umm...” he breaks off as Bones lets out a snort and Spock _giggles_. 

“Yeah, they're high,” Jim sighs. Uhura lets out a laugh as Bones and Spock hug.

“Oh my god,” Sulu says. “That must be some good weed.”

“Can we get some, Captain?” Chekov asks eagerly. “For scientific purposes, of course?”

“I have a really good brownie recipe,” Scotty offers.

“No,” Jim snaps. 

Uhura laughs again. “Says the guy who tried growing cannabis in his dorm room.” The whole bridge crew perks up at that.

“Shut up,” Jim hisses at her in a whisper. “I'm a captain now, I'm supposed to be respectable. Hey, what are you doing?” She's holding up her PADD and seems to be recording Spock and Bones.

“What does it look like? I'm saving this for blackmail purposes.”

“I-that's a really good idea,” Jim says stupidly.

She smiles at him. “I'll send you the video.”

“Shouldn't you get them down to medbay, Captain?” Scotty asks, sounding concerned. “I mean, they could damage equipment up here if they fall over or something.” 

“Hilarious as watching them is, Mr. Scott is right, Captain,” Sulu comments.

“Yeah, I suppose,” Jim sighs. “Sulu, you have the conn. Uhura, come help me get them down to medbay.” He stands and heads over to his high friends.

“I can continue recording them for you,” Scotty offers. Uhura smiles at him and hands the PADD over.

“Hey, Bones, wanna come to medbay with me?” Jim asks.

Bones tilts his head to the side thoughtfully. “Nahhh, I like it on the bridge.” He smiles suddenly. “Because you're on the bridge, Jim.”

Jim's pretty sure Chekov is giggling at his station. He summons his patience and smiles at Bones. “I like the bridge too, Bones, but right now I'm going to the medbay.”

“I wanna come!” Spock says, looking kind of excited. 

“You can come too, sweetie,” Uhura tells him, putting her hand on his back and guiding him towards the turbolift.

“I heard them having sex last night,” Bones announces. 

“And we're getting you off the bridge now,” Jim says as he starts dragging Bones towards the exit. 

“So?” Spock says, apparently not at all embarrassed. “I heard you guys having sex last night too.” 

“Knew it!” Sulu yells. Chekov starts clapping. Scotty gives a war whoop and keeps recording everything. 

“I swear to God we are never visiting this planet again,” Jim mutters as he pulls Bones along. 

“Look, Jim, everyone's happy for us!” Bones says happily. 

Jim stops for a second. “You're the one who wanted our relationship to be a secret, idiot.”

Bones frowns. “Why would I say that?”

“Because you were sober,” Jim sighs before dragging him into the turbolift. Uhura's lips are compressed in a thin line as she pushes the close button before Scotty can get on.

“I'm, umm, sorry,” Jim says into the silence.

Uhura sighs. “It's not your fault. She stares pointedly at Bones and Spock. Spock is gleefully pushing all the lift's buttons, like a child. Bones is huddled in a corner, having apparently regained his fear of heights and turbolifts. 

“Bones, hey, Bones,” Jim says soothingly, squatting on the floor. “It's going to be okay, man.”

“Hi, Jim,” Bones says with a weak smile. Jim smiles back.

“Come on, stand up with me. Bones reluctantly stands and grabs hold of Jim the second the lift stops moving. 

“Come on, Spock,” Uhura says gently. “This is our floor.”

“But I wish to ride all the way down,” Spock protests.

“Maybe later,” she says with a small smile as she takes his hand and guides him out. 

“This isn't medbay floor, Jim,” Bones tells him but follow him out anyway.

“What are you talking about, Bones? Of course this is medbay floor.”

“No, this is our floor,” Spock says happily. “There's our room, and there's your room. Come on, Nyota, I'm sleepy.”

“It's probably better if we keep them in their rooms,” Uhura says with as shrug. “Then we know they aren't spilling secrets anyone else can overhear.”

“Jim, I want to have sex,” Bones says suddenly, tugging at Jim's hand. “Right now. Please?”

“Yeah, of course,” Jim manages to get out. “Go ahead to our room. I'll be there in a second.” Bones happily hurries past. Jim turns to Uhura. “Yeah, I really like this idea of keeping them in our rooms,” he says with a smirk. 

She rolls her eyes. “Go to your room, Kirk. And keep it down. Spock wasn't lying about hearing you two.”

“You jealous?” he asks with a teasing grin. She rolls her eyes and disappears into her and Spock's room.

“Jim, are you coming?” Bones demands, sticking his head outside the room. 

“Yeah, of course!” he says as walks in. “Maybe we should get alien weed more often if it makes you this affectionate.

Bones just rolls his eyes and pulls him in for a kiss.

0000000000000000000000

“Jim, wake up. Jim? JIM.”

“Whaaaaa?” Jim mumbles, still half asleep.

“Jim!” Bones shoves him, hard. Jim blinks at him.

“Jeez, Bones, love you too.”

Bones rolls his eyes. “Jim, what the hell happened yesterday?”

“What are you talking about?” Jim asks with a yawn. “We had sex, if you're asking why you feel so great.”

“No,” Bones snaps. “I wanna know why I have a hundred messages congratulating me on my relationship with you.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that.” He looks up to see Bones glaring at him. “You know, you have this vein that sticks out when you're really pissed. It's kind of cute.”

“Jim,” Bones begins in a dangerous voice, “why the _fuck_ is there a picture of me hugging Spock?”

Jim starts laughing at that. “Good God, who snapped the picture? Was it Chekov? I bet it was Chekov. Oooh, Uhura said she was going to send me the video.”

“JIM!” Bones snaps.

“You and Spock found alien weed and got high off it,” Jim says helpfully. 

“Oh my God,” Bones groans. “I am never going on an away mission again. Ever.”

“Lighten up, Bones,” Jim tells him. “It's fine. I mean, besides hugging Spock and telling the bridge you heard Spock and Uhura having sex, it's not like you said anything too bad.”

“Oh my God,” Bones moans. “Nyota's gonna kill me.”

“Nahh, she's fine with it,” Jim says, trying not to laugh.

“Why?” Bones asks suspiciously.

“Because right after you said that Spock revealed that he heard us having sex.”

“Can I kill that pointy-eared, green-blooded-”

“No, Bones, you can't kill my first officer. Especially since you were just as bad. You told me you wanted to have sex with me while we were in the hallway and Uhura and Spock were still with us. 

“You eyesex me at lunch constantly so it's fine,” Bones says, sounding irritated. “God, Jim, how the hell did I even get high? I don't remember smoking anything or eating a brownie.”

“Sulu said all you had to do was sniff at the pretty-smelling plants and you'd get high.”

“Great,” Bones grouses as he crosses his arms and sits on the bed. “Make sure we never visit that planet again.”

“Come on, Bones,” Jim soothes as he rolls over and rests his head on Bones' thigh. “It was all okay in the end. We all lived. Maybe someday, when Chekov's a bit older-”

“No, Jim.”

“Scotty has a really great brownie recipe he said-”

“Jim!”

“Fine!” Jim pouts. “I can't believe you got high without me.” 

Bones snorts. “Yeah, because I _wanted_ to be high, dontcha know.” He starts stroking Jim's hair. It feels nice. Really nice. “How the hell weren't you high, anyway? You always poke your nose into strange plants.”

Jim shrugs. “I found the planet's version of poison ivy instead.”

Bones laughs. “You would, Jim, you would.”

“Shut up,” Jim mutters. “At least my middle name isn't _Horatio_.”


End file.
